Saturday, January 28, 2012

Looking Back

This post isnt really to get comments or have views,  it is to help me properly grieve and hopefully begin to move forward.

This past year has probably been the hardest year of my life. I started it sending my fiance at the time off to war in Iraq. Only to have countless days by myself up at college 1600 miles away from home, longing to just get out of my room, and stop staring at my computer screen waiting for him to get on skype. Those days felt much longer than normal days. And even something as simple as catching a cold, or having a off day felt so much worse when you are alone. I tried crying, thinking that would relase the trapped emotion, but instead it just made my head hurt, and my body weaker. No amount of school work made up for the fact that I was alone.

I then had surgery, that was hard to recover from, making me always tired and having no engery to actually do something WHEN I got invited to. It's hard enough when your spirits are down, but adding your weak body on top of it makes it even worse.

My parents had their first scare of splitting up, something I thought would never happen to my family, no, not my parents, and yet they still haven't comitted to staying together.

When my fiance finally did return from Iraq and we were 5 weeks away from the wedding, he decided to call things off because of repeated offenses on my part. After spending a haunting year by myself, nothing could describe the pain and agony my heart went through. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. The life I had been planning by myself for the past year was tossed back in my face.

Unexpectedly and very emotionally my fiance came back to me, only to break things off again because of cold feet, again...ripping my heart out with him. After a third time we finally did get married, but not the way I ever imagined me getting married.

The end of this tear stained year was finished with the death of my childhood dog. A friend I had grown up with, the one constant thing in my life when everything was thrown in my face. Someone I could always count on to be there with her wagging tail and smiling ears, just wanting to be loved. Once again I was 1600 miles away and all I could do was hear her whimpers get softer and softer over the phone as the vet put her to sleep.

I sit here remembering all these events and I can feel each emotion being dug up and brought back up to the surface. I feel it was needed for me to write down my trials and the feelings that came along with that, hoping in some way it can bring forth a type if closure. Once again, this blog was intended for me to finally write whats been trapped inside.

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