Looking Back

This post isnt really to get comments or have views,  it is to help me properly grieve and hopefully begin to move forward.

This past year has probably been the hardest year of my life. I started it sending my fiance at the time off to war in Iraq. Only to have countless days by myself up at college 1600 miles away from home, longing to just get out of my room, and stop staring at my computer screen waiting for him to get on skype. Those days felt much longer than normal days. And even something as simple as catching a cold, or having a off day felt so much worse when you are alone. I tried crying, thinking that would relase the trapped emotion, but instead it just made my head hurt, and my body weaker. No amount of school work made up for the fact that I was alone.

I then had surgery, that was hard to recover from, making me always tired and having no engery to actually do something WHEN I got invited to. It's hard enough when your spirits are down, but adding your weak body on top of it makes it even worse.

My parents had their first scare of splitting up, something I thought would never happen to my family, no, not my parents, and yet they still haven't comitted to staying together.

When my fiance finally did return from Iraq and we were 5 weeks away from the wedding, he decided to call things off because of repeated offenses on my part. After spending a haunting year by myself, nothing could describe the pain and agony my heart went through. I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. The life I had been planning by myself for the past year was tossed back in my face.

Unexpectedly and very emotionally my fiance came back to me, only to break things off again because of cold feet, again...ripping my heart out with him. After a third time we finally did get married, but not the way I ever imagined me getting married.

The end of this tear stained year was finished with the death of my childhood dog. A friend I had grown up with, the one constant thing in my life when everything was thrown in my face. Someone I could always count on to be there with her wagging tail and smiling ears, just wanting to be loved. Once again I was 1600 miles away and all I could do was hear her whimpers get softer and softer over the phone as the vet put her to sleep.

I sit here remembering all these events and I can feel each emotion being dug up and brought back up to the surface. I feel it was needed for me to write down my trials and the feelings that came along with that, hoping in some way it can bring forth a type if closure. Once again, this blog was intended for me to finally write whats been trapped inside.

I should get paid for being AWESOME

I just spent the morning on this lovely website that I am now addicted to!! its polyvore.com 


You get to look at thousands and THOUSANDS of fashion tops, skirts, jeans, pants, dresses, accessories, jewelry, and bags! but thats not the best part!! You can create your own looks and put them all on a page, just like you see in magazines! 


I must say that i'm expecting a call from Vogue, or Cosmo because my outfits are to die for!! Tell me if you don't think I should take up the fashion business!? :)

I had SOO much fun putting these together! i want every single one of these outfits! tell me what you think!

Bucket List (inspired by Sara)

Things To Do Before I Die

1. Get Married To Levi Smith!
2. Stay the night in a fancy log cabin
3. Become a professional spider killer
4. get lost in the woods, and find a way out
5. learn how to build a proper fire
6. go to europe
7. see london
8. go to 3 Def Leppard concerts
9. do baptisms for the dead in the Salt Lake City Temple
10. Do a hand stand on a mountain
11. Sky dive
12. Read an entire book
13. spend a day on a boat
14. Go to Disney World one more time
15. Go to Croatia
16. Make Out in the Rain
17. Run A Marathon
18. Get really into the Olympics one summer year
19. NEVER BATE A WORM
20. Ride in a tank
21. Become good at shooting targets
22. have a chicken and name it remy!
23. Be pink panther for halloween!
24. memorize the first verse of every hymn
25. live like a bum in jamaica for 5 days
26. go to a jazz festival
27. win a hot dog eating contest! (just kidding)
28. attend a hot dog eating contest
29. make a homemade pie
30. make a sand castle as high as my hip
31. beat levi in at least 15 competitive games
32. booby trap my kids with dental floss
33. send our kids out in the wilderness for a weekend and spy on them
34. learn to play guitar
35. learn to make fried rice
36. memorize every scripture mastery
37. make a real quilt
38. attend the temple every day for 3 months
38. know how to say a phrase in french before i go to europe
39. make a snowman taller than me
40. watch an entire thunderstorm
41. follow a rainbow
42. go to canada
43. build a tree house/ or fort house
44. learn how to play tennis
45. give our son a mohawk
46. see new york city
47. hike in the grand canyon
48. shake hands with a general authority
49. ride a donkey
50. learn to drive a motorcycle

Lets GET started!!!

My Dress

I just had to show it! Yay Yay Yay!

I'm so in love with it! Can't wait for that big day!

Only Ray of Sunshine in a Thunderstorm

It saddens me that there are so many people that are unhappy out there. They're unhappy with their marriage, they're unhappy in their career choice, unhappy in their life choices, and so many other things. And although this makes me so sad to see people for are miserable,  I am SO SICK and TIRED of that whole "misery loves company" crap! These people feel the need to share their unhappiness and make sure the those around them feel just as sad and down as they do!

I am trying everything in my power to prepare myself for my life, I am working hard in school, in my job, and with my fiance to MAKE my life happy.

Happiness is a choice! so choose to get over yourself and do something to fix your marriage, your career, your life!

I just wish people would share more sunshine than rainstorms...



till next time :)

Saturday In The Library

So today I felt like a real college student! I was in the library from 2-8! HOLY COW right?! ugh...haha the funny thing is I still don't feel like I could tell you I did very much. hah. I think I watched a couple music videos...and stared at my projects until the writing on the paper began to resemble a different language...but other than that I still feel like I have TONS to do!

Is there anyone out there that actually LIKES studying?!

SoOo...

I asked Levi to send me a picture of himself today, because I was asked to model for someone's photography final up at school. The theme is "Things We Love"

Some people are bringing their guitars, their paint brushes, holding their pets...etc. I decided I wanted a blown up picture of the thing I love most...LEVI! The picture he sent was ADORABLE! Look at it!! You can't help but love that face...not to mention he looks way buff and smoking HOT! ...yeah I know...I did pretty good for myself. haha!

Ah! I love it! I look forward to getting creative with the photographer, Chris Luke, and seeing what the final outcome is!

well, there's not much more to report today... :) my song today is dedicated to my sweetheart! its by Ray Lamontagne, he's a cool dude, and these words tell how i feel about my love. <3 check it out!




You are the best thing 

Soooo....I might be a little obsessed already :)

         

 photo by Mike Fisk

It snowing outside...so it doesn't exactly feel warm...BUT I feel its going to be a good day.

SOO...
I can't start a blog and NOT put up my wedding ideas! haha! I actually made a power point to show Levi on Skype, he thought it was amusing, but I had to lay it out so I could see my vision start to come to life.



Now this isn't by any means final! I would L-O-V-E suggestions! but here's what I have going so far!

These are the colors i'm thinking!

I want all kinds of shades of gray, and most of all....LIME GREEN!

I want the Wedding Cake to be like the one on the top left corner. White with pearls and gray ribbon on the bottom of each layer, but i want to put limes in between the layers of the cake like the bottom pictures!

I'm leaning towards the top bouquet :)

Okay...So what im gonna do is make wreaths our of coffee filters and string light in them, then place them on a gray table cloth. Then i'm wanting to fill up vases full of limes in water and place those in the middle on the wreaths...ya? what do you think?

K I love  Japanese lanterns, so i'm thinking i'm either going to do green ones from the ceiling, or i'm going to make those tissue paper pom palms...(levi likes the pom palms more)

Levi is going to look SO good when he puts on his gray suit with a brilliant green tie! YUM! i'm trying to convince to wear some sweet Vans with the whole ensemble...he could pull it off and look awesome!

There are my ideas! I love wedding planning! I just wish the date wasn't so far away! ugh...


AnyWays...


This song for the day is Alice by Avril Lavigne...now i've never been a fan of Avril...hah I think she is terrible 99% of the time, but i'm diggin this song! Link is below :)


Alice